Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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