The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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