There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
