sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
