I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
