Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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