But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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