Where did you get a picture of my penis
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
