after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
