your parents love me but you hate me
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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