how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
