Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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