i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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