I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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