He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
