Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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