I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
and she was petting her beer can
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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