I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
