i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
