I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
