It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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