My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize