my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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