"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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