i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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