You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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