i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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