Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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