he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
