google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
