he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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