the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
