Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize