Just fell off a train. Bad.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
