Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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