i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
