I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
