I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Do vagina's smell?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
They took my balls.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize