she woke up with a sticky ear
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
