im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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