He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
