You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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