i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
