Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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