i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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