if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
