Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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