I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
