the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
