i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
