Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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