if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
