Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
