Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she told me i tasted like america
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
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