Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Randomize
