Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
