hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
