He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize