I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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