the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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