what day is it and did you see me today?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
